Holly Beatty There are many, many of us. You’re absolutely not the only one. And, if anything I said here made you think that I hold any opinion like “addiction is evil,” I’m sorry; that was the exact opposite of what I intended.
I can hear your hopelessness in your writing. I’m really concerned about that. It’s only hopeless if you believe it is and you act (only) on that. The hopelessness part of addiction (and depression) is what keeps people stuck there.
If you and your husband are able to accept your addiction and you can keep it from being a burden on you, your life, and your loved ones, then that’s a reasonable outcome. And that might be just where you need to be, or the best you can do.
I have found that there are several methods for improving addiction, even if one can’t “cure” it. Acceptance (have it be ok to be an addict — there are millions of successful, happy addicts out there, you just don’t tend to hear about them), community (it’s not something that one can or should deal with alone), and something therapeutic; something that makes you feel better. It doesn’t have to be therapy, it can be a walk in the woods. Finding something that gives at least temporary relief from the blues is critical to just being ok.
It’s more than likely that all of us addicts are open wounds, that’s why we became addicts in the first place.
And please, please, try to not accept the hopelessness. It’s not hopeless, not by any means. You can be better. You don’t have to be clean and sober to be better. Take small, tiny, steps…but take them. Get some momentum towards better. Life doesn’t have to look so bleak.
I don’t know you, and I’m convinced there can be joy for you again.